The Lunch Lady Johnny? C'Mon Man!

This lunch lady was arrested in Utah for having sex with a boy in the middle school where she served lunch. Let's call him Johnny.

Sloppy Joe, Slop Sloppy Joe! Lunch Lady Land. - Adam Sandler

Fortunately the middle school boys in California have higher standards. This teacher was also arrested for having sex with a middle schooler in CA.

Please Dear God Don't Let Him Die!!!

Crime Beat Pa. - A man from Pennsylvania has been charged with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway. Donald Wolfe, a 55-year old man, is the lead character in the odd case of road kill CPR that was witnessed by several people passing by the rural highway scene, according to an Associated Press report.

A witness told authorities the drunk man actually tried to give the dead critter mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The attempt failed. The animal was long dead, according to the report.

You can't blame a guy for trying. Nice try Donny. We appreciate your efforts even if the cops don't.

Iron Mike, Say It Ain't So Man!

A couple things wrong with these pictures. 1) Mike Tyson is carrying books.

And secondly, he's kissing a pigeon. Mike Tyson has a new reality show that follows him and his life as a pigeon racer.

Metamucil Detox

I (and other TF members) recently went to Houston for work. Houston is best know for fat people and great restaurants. Wierd how that correlates. Upon my return my internal organs couldn't get right so I went on a Metamucil detox. I ate and drank nothing but Metamucil for a 24-hour period. I later learned (thanks to Wikipedia) that there are roughly 28 feet of small and large intestines in the human body. I didn't pull out a tape measure everytime but I disagree. I think it's more like 300 yards. Plus the Wiki didn't mention anything about red squirrels living in my bowels....and yet I think I shit one out. I was definitely not farting with confidence all weekend. Below is some techinical jargon from Metamucil about shitting (or not shitting) your pants. Good stuff.

According to Metamucil's Online FAQ, the product does not contain any chemicals that "cause [the] immediate evacuation" of the bowels that characterize incontinence. Rather, Metamucil usually relieves constipation with 12 to 72 hours. However, if you are suffering from constipation, a considerable amount of shrunken, dessicated feces has collected in your large intestine. As the soft, psyllium-containing waste enters the large intestine, catastalsis forces it through the passage where it eventually meets the dessicated feces. These continuous, wavelike contractions push the soft feces into the hard form, filling the intestines and forcing the hard stool toward the anus. As this new feces builds up behind the slow, hard feces, so too does the pressure against the anus. If the pressure exceeds the strength on the anal sphincter (a ring of muscles that opens and closes the anus), incontinence will result.

Hoggin' - A Whole New Level

My words can't do this story justice so I'll just post the actual news story. A stunner. Anyone in our group a BELLY MAN?!?!?!?

News Story - An obese mother in the US is trying to put on weight in order to become the world's fattest woman.
Donna Simpson, from New Jersey, weighs 273kg but told the Daily Mail newspaper she had her heart set on reaching her goal weight of 1000lb (450kg) in two years.
The 42-year-old already holds the title of the world's fattest mother after giving birth to her daughter in 2007 when she weighed 241kg.
"I'd love to be 1000lb ... it might be hard though, running after my daughter keeps my weight down," Ms Simpson told the Daily Mail.
Ms Simpson, who needs a mobility scooter to go shopping, eats huge amounts of junk food each week and tries to move as little as possible so she doesn't burn off as many calories.
"I do love cakes and sweet things, doughnuts are my favorite," she said.
Ms Simpson said she also loved eating sushi and would often eat 70 big pieces in one go.
Her 49-year-old partner Philippe — who she met on a dating site for plus-size people — was encouraging her to reach her goal, she said.
"I think he'd like it if I was bigger ... he's a real belly man and completely supports me," she said.
To put on enough weight, Ms Simpson will need to eat 12,000 calories a day, which is six times the recommended daily intake for women.
In order to pay for the enormous amounts of food she is eating — her weekly grocery bill is $815 — Ms Simpson makes money by running a website where men pay to watch her consume fast food.

I Want to Be an Ice Dancer

Admittedly, I poo pooed the Olympic ice dancing, but on second thought I feel like I didn't give it a fair shake. I didn't realize you get to wear cool polyester 1970s outfits and do great things like THIS!

Giant Olympic Beaver for Sale

Dudes. I know it has been a rough year with the recession and all. But this could be an opportunity of a lifetime. They are selling the giant inflatable beavers that were in the Olympic closing ceremories for a mere $5,000.00! You don't need to decide right now, but I say "LET'S BUY ONE!!!

Olympian Coaches

I love Larry Bird. I went to school in Indiana. But I had no idea that Larry also coaches the lady Canadians in hockey. Who knew? Maybe it was his sister?

Party Like An Olympian Gold Medalist.....Eh!?

I know. No chicks allowed at the TF. But we might have to make an exception. Eh? Those girls really know how to party.

Party Like An Olympian

Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?

No More Hummers

Did you hear the news? No more hummers. Damn it!