The C.I.A. is With Us

The C.I.A recently formed the WikiLeaks Task Force proving that once again, being serious can sometimes be really funny.

Hangover Helpers: Do you travel to Moab?

BOULDER, Colo. (AP) - Your head aches, you're hungry and your house is littered with sticky plastic cups. Who ya gonna call? Hangover Helpers.
Two University of Colorado graduates are marketing a new business by that name in Boulder, home of CU's main campus. They'll bring in breakfast burritos and Gatorade the morning after a party - and clean up the mess. All for $15 per person.

We just need to figure out if they'll pedal our bikes for us too. If so, I say they're HIRED!

Please Touch My Junk!

(Nov. 15) -- A California man got thrown out of San Diego's airport when he refused a revealing full-body scan and then an alternative pat-down, telling a Transportation Security Agent, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested."John Tyner, 31, said he was told he could face a civil lawsuit and a $10,000 fine for leaving the screening area before the security check was complete, according to news reports and his blog.

I don't know about all of you but when I fly, I grow a beard, carry a qur'an, wear a turban, and stuff my pockets with lighters and metal to purposely get patted down. If a TSA agent touches my junk, I kiss him/her on the cheek and give 'em my phone number. As a married guy with kids, that is some of the best action a man can get (take notes Caleb).

Dirty Little Mouse

Please note: The mouse in this story is an actual computer mouse. I've reprinted the story in full. This story has it all - naked break ins, mushrooms, tazing, passing out, a mouse in the rectum (damn near killed him), slapping, kicking and biting police....WOW! AWESOME!

SENECA, SC - A burglary call for Oconee County sheriff's deputies turned bizarre Monday morning when their suspect was found naked with a mouse in his rectum and apparently drugged, an incident report shows.
Authorities responded to Bernwood Circle near the town of Seneca late Monday morning after a resident complained of a burglar. When deputies arrived, they found Noah Smith, 31, lying face down and naked inside the doorway of the victim's home, the report stated.
When the deputy tried to make contact with Smith, he slapped the deputy. In return, the deputy deployed his taser, which had no effect on Smith, the report stated.
With reinforcements, deputies approached Smith again in the victim's bedroom. A deputy managed to handcuff Smith before he jumped off the victim's bed and tried to kick other deputies in the room, the report stated.
Then, according to the report, Smith was pepper sprayed. Undeterred, Smith continued to kick at the officers and otherwise evade capture. He was struck with a police baton several times, and Smith attempted to bite the deputy.
Smith's head and mouth were covered with a blanket to prevent him from biting. He was wrestled down so shackles could be placed on his legs and his arms were hog-tied, the report stated. An EMS crew responded and provided a stretcher to which Smith was also tied.
Deputies and officers from the Seneca Police Department opined that Smith might have been high on mushrooms, and identified equipment that could be used to get high in the victim's home.
During a medical exam at a nearby hospital, medical personnel found a mouse tail hanging from Smith's rectum. An X-ray revealed a mouse lodged inside Smith.
He told emergency room personnel that he could not remember what had happened to him.
After the medical exam, he was charged with resisting arrest, 1st and 3rd degree assault a battery charges, and indecent exposure. Smith was transported to the Oconee County Detention Center.

Air Sex!

Coming to a city near you....Air Sex World Championships! Air guitar contests are SOOOOOO 90s. If anyone is going to be in Portland or Seatlle next weekend, the TF will pay your entry fee. Just take lots of pictures and video.
http://www.airsexworldchampionships.com/

How Many Will Fit?

This blog started with hamsters and will end two days before the TF with hamsters. I thought of a new game for the new guys. It's called, "How Many Will Fit?" Hopefully not more than four cuz that's all I have.

DON'T TASE ME BRO!

It's not the voltage, it's the amps that get ya! This 17-year fence hopper discovered what a full taser charge feels like on Monday night at the Phillies game in front of 40,000 people. Congrats to the Phat Philly police officer for having a pretty darn good taser shot.

By the way, this reminds me of one of the early-to-bed awards for this year. Good luck everyone! Remember when we got Brett likes 3 times before he finally got back up and joined us around the campfire? Ahhhh, the memories.

Bread is for Pussies

KFC's all meat sandwich. Two slabs of chicken as your bun with cheese and bacon in between. Sounds like a good TF meal to me!

Sex with Dogs and Horses? - I'm Losing Faith in Humanity

By Jennifer Sullivan
Seattle Times staff reporter
A Whatcom County man's friendship and aggressive support for a man convicted in the infamous Enumclaw horse-sex case led to his arrest this week for allegedly operating a bestiality farm just south of the Canadian border near Sumas, Washington. Federal prosecutors and Whatcom County sheriff's officials say Spink allowed people to come to the farm and have sex with animals. He was "promoting tourism of this nature for bestiality."

When county deputies and federal investigators searched the property they found videotapes that included images of a man, who was visiting the property, having sex with several large-breed dogs.

In the Enumclaw case, a 45-year-old Gig Harbor man died after having sex with a horse on Tait's rental farm. The horse involved in the incident was not harmed (thank God), and an autopsy of the unnamed man concluded that "the manner of death was accidental, due to perforation of the colon." The horse's owners told police that they didn't know people had been sneaking into their barn to have sex with their horses.

STD? Me too. How You Doin'?

www.positivesingles.com
The largest and most trusted online dating network for people with STDs. 70 million people in the U.S. are living with an STD. Are you one of them?

Wrestling - This One's for the New Guy

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO BROTHER WHEN THE HULKSTER AND ALL THE HULKAMANIACS COME CRASHING DOWN ON YOU?"
I didn't know you could do THAT!

I've heard their coaches are helpful.

You have to be careful with some moves.

Tea bagging is all part of the sport.

And Nacho Libre is the greatest wrestler who ever lived.

Angry Somali Pirates Attack the Wrong Ship

OOPSIES!

Beer Benefits

AP COPENHAGEN – Scores of Carlsberg workers walked off their jobs in protest Thursday after the Danish brewer tightened laid-back rules on workplace drinking and removed beer coolers from work sites, a company spokesman said.

The warehouse and production workers in Denmark are rebelling against the company's new alcohol policy, which allows them to drink beer only during lunch hours in the canteen. Previously, they could help themselves to beer throughout the day, from coolers placed around the work sites.

The only restriction was "that you could not be drunk at work. It was up to each and everyone to be responsible," company spokesman Jens Bekke said.

This is ridiculous! What an outrage! What's next? They won't be allowed to drink beer on their smoke breaks?

Short Man Big Legs

The world's shortest man died in China recently. He was 29 inches tall. Here he is shown with the woman with the world's longest legs. (Insert your own punchline here.)

Awesome Hair!

My TF won't be complete unless someone rolls with this. Actually, it kinda looks like Jason....doesn't it?

The Eskimo-Kissing Huggy Bear

Head Coach of the men's West Virginia basketball team, Bob Huggins, aka Hubby Bear, gives Eskimo kisses to his star injured player in the NCAA Final Four Basketball tourney on Saturday night against Duke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxzKj8OsliA The disturbing scene is about 1:50 minutes in. It's what we don't see in the locker room and hotel that has me more concerned.

According to the AP, it was emotional and extremely personal. The interaction between the two was a glimpse into a relationship that we rarely get to see on such a grand stage. Huggins clasped his best player's head and got him through it. We may not get a more personal public moment from this year's tournament than this.

Uh, yeah. I've watched A LOT of college basketball in my life but I've never seen a more disturbing scene as this. This is the definition of wTF,O?

The Lunch Lady Johnny? C'Mon Man!

This lunch lady was arrested in Utah for having sex with a boy in the middle school where she served lunch. Let's call him Johnny.

Sloppy Joe, Slop Sloppy Joe! Lunch Lady Land. - Adam Sandler

Fortunately the middle school boys in California have higher standards. This teacher was also arrested for having sex with a middle schooler in CA.

Please Dear God Don't Let Him Die!!!

Crime Beat Pa. - A man from Pennsylvania has been charged with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway. Donald Wolfe, a 55-year old man, is the lead character in the odd case of road kill CPR that was witnessed by several people passing by the rural highway scene, according to an Associated Press report.

A witness told authorities the drunk man actually tried to give the dead critter mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The attempt failed. The animal was long dead, according to the report.

You can't blame a guy for trying. Nice try Donny. We appreciate your efforts even if the cops don't.

Iron Mike, Say It Ain't So Man!

A couple things wrong with these pictures. 1) Mike Tyson is carrying books.

And secondly, he's kissing a pigeon. Mike Tyson has a new reality show that follows him and his life as a pigeon racer.

Metamucil Detox

I (and other TF members) recently went to Houston for work. Houston is best know for fat people and great restaurants. Wierd how that correlates. Upon my return my internal organs couldn't get right so I went on a Metamucil detox. I ate and drank nothing but Metamucil for a 24-hour period. I later learned (thanks to Wikipedia) that there are roughly 28 feet of small and large intestines in the human body. I didn't pull out a tape measure everytime but I disagree. I think it's more like 300 yards. Plus the Wiki didn't mention anything about red squirrels living in my bowels....and yet I think I shit one out. I was definitely not farting with confidence all weekend. Below is some techinical jargon from Metamucil about shitting (or not shitting) your pants. Good stuff.

According to Metamucil's Online FAQ, the product does not contain any chemicals that "cause [the] immediate evacuation" of the bowels that characterize incontinence. Rather, Metamucil usually relieves constipation with 12 to 72 hours. However, if you are suffering from constipation, a considerable amount of shrunken, dessicated feces has collected in your large intestine. As the soft, psyllium-containing waste enters the large intestine, catastalsis forces it through the passage where it eventually meets the dessicated feces. These continuous, wavelike contractions push the soft feces into the hard form, filling the intestines and forcing the hard stool toward the anus. As this new feces builds up behind the slow, hard feces, so too does the pressure against the anus. If the pressure exceeds the strength on the anal sphincter (a ring of muscles that opens and closes the anus), incontinence will result.

Hoggin' - A Whole New Level

My words can't do this story justice so I'll just post the actual news story. A stunner. Anyone in our group a BELLY MAN?!?!?!?

News Story - An obese mother in the US is trying to put on weight in order to become the world's fattest woman.
Donna Simpson, from New Jersey, weighs 273kg but told the Daily Mail newspaper she had her heart set on reaching her goal weight of 1000lb (450kg) in two years.
The 42-year-old already holds the title of the world's fattest mother after giving birth to her daughter in 2007 when she weighed 241kg.
"I'd love to be 1000lb ... it might be hard though, running after my daughter keeps my weight down," Ms Simpson told the Daily Mail.
Ms Simpson, who needs a mobility scooter to go shopping, eats huge amounts of junk food each week and tries to move as little as possible so she doesn't burn off as many calories.
"I do love cakes and sweet things, doughnuts are my favorite," she said.
Ms Simpson said she also loved eating sushi and would often eat 70 big pieces in one go.
Her 49-year-old partner Philippe — who she met on a dating site for plus-size people — was encouraging her to reach her goal, she said.
"I think he'd like it if I was bigger ... he's a real belly man and completely supports me," she said.
To put on enough weight, Ms Simpson will need to eat 12,000 calories a day, which is six times the recommended daily intake for women.
In order to pay for the enormous amounts of food she is eating — her weekly grocery bill is $815 — Ms Simpson makes money by running a website where men pay to watch her consume fast food.

I Want to Be an Ice Dancer

Admittedly, I poo pooed the Olympic ice dancing, but on second thought I feel like I didn't give it a fair shake. I didn't realize you get to wear cool polyester 1970s outfits and do great things like THIS!

Giant Olympic Beaver for Sale

Dudes. I know it has been a rough year with the recession and all. But this could be an opportunity of a lifetime. They are selling the giant inflatable beavers that were in the Olympic closing ceremories for a mere $5,000.00! You don't need to decide right now, but I say "LET'S BUY ONE!!!

Olympian Coaches

I love Larry Bird. I went to school in Indiana. But I had no idea that Larry also coaches the lady Canadians in hockey. Who knew? Maybe it was his sister?

Party Like An Olympian Gold Medalist.....Eh!?

I know. No chicks allowed at the TF. But we might have to make an exception. Eh? Those girls really know how to party.

Party Like An Olympian

Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?

No More Hummers

Did you hear the news? No more hummers. Damn it!

DTE - We've All Been There Haven't We?

In the News - America Fat? Why?

Gimme a Whopper, fries — and a beer!
Those words are no longer wishful thinking. Friday, Burger King (BKC) will unveil plans to sell beer and burgers at a Whopper Bar — a new BK concept to compete with casual dining restaurants — in Miami Beach's tourist-heavy South Beach.

What goes better with a 2,000 calorie sandwich than an icy cold beer? Also, isn't the South Beach diet a low calorie, high protein weight loss diet? Oh the irony.

In the News - Seriously? I Mean Seriously?

A whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer, according to a report in the Augusta Chronicle. The All-American Basketball Alliance would also ban players born outside the United States.
The league's commissioner, Don "Moose" Lewis, claims that he doesn't "hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now." Thus, he says, the All-American Basketball Alliance would be "a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

In the News - Soccer Fans Are Badass

A British company has come under fire for trying to sell "stab-proof" vests to soccer fans heading to South Africa for the World Cup tournament.

Farts - Do YOU always trust them?

We've all been there before haven't we? Especially Toby. Once? Sure it can happen to anyone. But multiple times? Come on man.

Elephants Gone Wild

Bad day to be an elephant guide I guess.

In the News - Hef Dumps the Twins

Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner has dumped his 20-year-old twin girlfriends Kristina and Karissa Shannon and has moved them out of his legendary playpen. I guess they were getting too old?

Sweet Bike Huh?

Did anyone notice the bike?